Sunday, August 10, 2014

Things Online Subs Do That Drive Me Crazy

I'm working on some of my more recent adventures for publication but I wanted to be able to post something quickly so that folks would see I am trying to get out more posts.

The easiest and preferred way for me to meet submissives is via apps and Recon. I have other sites i visit too. I deal with boys almost daily who do things that have listed below and i thought it might be easier to just put this out there and maybe it will help someone and vent my frustrations.

I was talking to a switch friend of mine. He recently started exploring his switch side and was dealing with submissives for the first time. He and I were bitching about submissives and I thought that it might be an interesting post. This is just my opinion. If you'd like to comment on it please feel free to do so respectfully as I intend no insult to the MANY MANY submissives that do not do these things.

The two of us are mostly dealing with subs new to the scene and guys on the net. So... without further ado... Things subs do to drive me crazy.

1) The question: "How kinky are you?"

The gripe: This question is really difficult to answer. There's no quantitative way to answer the question. Who cares? Aren't you just being picky author? Yea a bit, but here's why it matters. If I say "VERY KINKY" I have no idea what that means to you. Maybe it means lashing you on the back with a single tail till you bleed. Maybe it means diaper play. Maybe it means clothespins. Whatever it means, it can and has instantly stopped a conversation when I've answered "very kinky", or even just "kinky".

The solution: Just ask a dom what he's into. It may not be a short list. But personally? I just hyper link everyone to my Recon profile and let them decide whether they're interested or not. By asking what the Sir you're interested in is into, you're learning specifics that help you make an informed decision. Furthermore, and I would think this part is most important; asking about his answers can give you a sense of how experienced a person is.

2) The issue: Guys see my recon profile and complain about one or two items in it and then ultimately don't play.

The gripe: I am a diverse kinkster. I have a variety of interests. There's probably someone out there who shares all my kinks but he and I are probably one in a few thousand. That means just because it's on my profile DOES NOT mean I expect you to do it. Even among dom and sub sex is a negotiation process for gay men. If you don't want to do something just put it as a limit and we're good to go.

The solution: This issue is probably a bit unique to me and it's just as likely that any given sub was just going to flake anyways. Submissives, if you don't already know, the secret to a dom's power is that we have no power over you that you don't grant us. That means, if you don't want to do something. Say so up front. Play with a safe word and don't play with someone you don't trust.

3) The issue: Flaking.

The gripe: This one I definitely have to acknowledge is not just submissives. I know dominants flake too. So do twinks, bears, otters, etc. This is a much more universal problem. I'm not sure why this is such a problem. It seems like it might be because it's more socially acceptable to stand someone up than it is to tell them "I don't think I can do this" or "you know I don't think we're a match after all". I'm not sure what flakers are afraid of what honesty would do. Do they think we'll yell at them? Cause frankly, I'd like to thank them for not wasting my time, or having to tell others that I'm not interested because I have someone coming over who never shows up. I have no idea why men do this but of the possible reasons: Arrogance, nervousness, no intention of showing up in the first place, because he can, to mess with weird or ugly guys, or even a legitimate reason he couldn't come. Each possibility is less appealing than the next. It's a wonder people manage to ever get together.

The solution: Yeah, I know. If there was a magical solution it wouldn't be an issue. I've made it a personal policy to at least tell people I’m not interested. That's the best I can come up with on this one. All I can do is vent. That said. The advantage of honesty? You could make a new kinkster friend. At the bare minimum he should speak well of you for being honest with him if someone should ask about you. Gay men love to talk. Your reputation will precede you and can hurt you when you find someone you actually want to spend time with.

4) The issue: chatting prior to meeting up and asking "exactly what would you do to me?"

The gripe: This one I get pretty well. You're putting yourself at a risk by meeting up with someone you don't know and potentially getting tied up. Here's the problem though. A LARGE number of subs ask this question. To answer it is a big investment of time on my tiny phone (less so on my keyboard). And it most often involves a request for more information. I believe that often times men are doing this so they can beat off to whatever I write. It's a problem for me because submissives are potentially here to serve my needs and my needs are NOT being served by typing a long monologue to you about the boots I own you want to lick, only to find you never show up. I'm tired of talking about sex. I want to have it.

The solution: You want to suss out whether a Sir is worth your time? Compatible? Here's a few different suggestions: Check his profile on recon or fetlife. See if he has a lot of friends. Someone well connected to the community or at least someone with 3-4 friends is more likely to be a good guy since he'll have people who invested in time with him after sex. How many one night stands have you never spoken to again? My point exactly. Next suggestion? Ask him about his best session. Even I love to recount that particular story (stay tuned, its coming). When you get your answer make a decision and be honest and direct with your answer whatever it is. My final suggestion? See if you know anyone in the kink scene in common. Do your own checking up on a would-be partner.

I may write a few more of these if I think of more but for now that should be pretty good. Am I off base? Let me know, constructively :)

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